Community Ministry

When my good friend Bonnie Crouse suggested I go into the Wedding Officiant business a couple years ago, I did what I always do with a new idea. I researched it, almost to death. I looked up NC Laws surrounding marriage, I ran the idea by all my friends, who I am sure got tired of hearing it, (I know Liz did) and I finally spoke to someone that had been doing it for over 10 years. Rev. Rob Figley in Vancouver, WA. Rob and I just happen to be on a Santa Association Board together and have become very close friends. Bonnie planted the seed, Rob made it grow.

It did not take me long to realize that Wedding Officiants that have not attended a brick and mortar seminary are not well thought of by those that did. This initially really bothered me, especially when confronted by one Minister, who has since become a valued colleague and friend. They made it known in no uncertain terms that they had little respect for those that chose the quick and easy path. I got similar responses from Liz's then boss and my own minister. Not overtly but you know when someone doesn't respect what you do. I'm sure it caused problems for Liz at work although why it would I cannot fathom.

None of that really surprised me coming from Professional Clergy. What did surprise me was the realization that being a Minister, even a Wedding Minister, meant embracing ministry. Community Ministry. Answering the call to ministry, whether you perceive that call is from God, the Divine or from somewhere within, means that people expect, as they should, that you will minister to their needs. I'm not sure I really got this at first. I viewed myself as someone that is authorized by the state to perform weddings. Just another wedding vendor. It took me the longest time to embrace the term Reverend.

At one of my first weddings I heard one of the grandmothers say "Here comes the preacher." I almost looked around to see who she was talking about when I realized it was me. I mean I was the only person there in a black suit with a book under my arm and not family. It must be me.

What really drove home the fact that I am a minister was when a bride called to say her ex's father had died and would I be willing to do the funeral? I did and I think it was, for me, a game changer. I have since done a Memorial for a friend when her mom died and I am constantly asked by friends and clients how to handle this or that. While I think it took a while for me to look at myself as a Minister, others see me that way. For many of the couples I marry I am a surrogate for the family minister they don't have. I mean how many other vendors get invited to sit at the Parent's table or are asked to do the blessing before the reception meal?

In his Book Faith Formation 2020: Designing the Future of Faith Formation, John Roberto writes, "The effect of these trends can be found in research on emerging adults (twenty- to thirty-year-olds): only 15% embrace a strong religious faith and another 30% believe and perform certain aspects of their religious traditions; at least 40% have no connection to a religious tradition." What that means is that fewer people have a "family" church home and therefore a "family" pastor. The comment I most often hear from couples I work with is that they want a ceremony that is spiritual but not religious. My view is that as these couples grow into families they will need someone to assist in the times of other life transitions such as baby namings and death of a parent or grandparent. Will they then turn to the church of their fathers to meet those needs, I think not.

I recently got a Facebook message from a bride of mine to say her best friend had died unexpectedly and she was having a rough time of it. I offered to meet her for a cup of coffee and whether she meets with me or not at least she knows that I care.

So as I move father down this path I have chosen, I'm beginning to embrace the call. As people continue to redefine what is right for them and their families, they will need Community Ministers more and more. Hey you know what? That's me.

You're not my FATHER! You can't tell ME what to do!

The following is a sermon I gave at the Unitarian Universalist Church of Greensboro on Father's Day June 19, 2011. Except where otherwise noted, the words are mine. Enjoy and please leave a comment.

Chalice Lighting

We light this chalice to honor our fathers. 

Those men who saw us through skinned knees and broken hearts.

Who dried our tears and told us it was ok to cry.

Who taught us the value of hard work and the need for a Sunday afternoon nap.

Who took us to see James Bond knowing mom would have a fit when she found out.

Who taught us to drive and with fear in their hearts, handed us the car keys. 

Who was always good for a $20 between paydays.

Who let us go when they really wanted us to stay.

We light this chalice to honor our fathers. Even if they were not the men responsible for our birth.

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You're not my FATHER! You can't tell ME what to do!                                                                    

 Jac Grimes

I want to ask all the men to help me in an exercise. If you are a birth father, stand up. If you are a step father, adoptive father, live in boyfriend or grandfather in a primary father’s role, stand up. If you are an uncle, grandfather, mentor, youth advisor, coach, teacher, or scout leader, stand up. Now for everyone else, if you have had in your life a man that has served in one of these roles, stand up. Fathers are important. You may be seated.

Please take a moment and share with us the names of important father figures and male role models in your life. Thank you.

I want to begin with a story written by Loren Eisley

One day a man was walking along the beach when he noticed a boy picking something up and gently throwing it into the ocean. 

Approaching the boy, he asked, What are you doing?

The youth replied, Throwing starfish back into the ocean.
The surf is up and the tide is going out.  If I don’t throw them back, they’ll die.

Son, the man said, don’t you realize there are miles and miles of beach and hundreds of starfish? You can’t make a difference!

After listening politely, the boy bent down, picked up another starfish, and threw it back into the surf.  Then, smiling at the man, he said I made a difference for that one.

 

Mark Twain is quoted as saying:

"When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years."

Truer words were never spoken. Fathering is tough work. While we all want to be Ward Cleaver or Ozzie Davis more times than not we come off like Homer Simpson or Ozzie Osborne.  It’s tough enough when you’re dealing with a birth child but if you are the father figure without a blood connection it is tough to the nth degree.

I want to make sure that no one misunderstands my intent. I’m not here to bash birthfathers. I’m one myself. And I do understand that in our modern world there are many circumstances that prevent a loving father from being with his kids. I just want to make sure that the men who do the work of father without being the birthfather are honored and celebrated. I’m talking about foster fathers, adoptive fathers, stepfathers, uncles, mentors, grandfathers in a primary father role and anyone that takes on the role of father where a birthfather is absent.

The title of this sermon You're not my FATHER! You can't tell ME what to do! says a great deal about the relationship between non birth children and the father of the house. As an adoptive and foster father, I cannot tell you how many times I’ve heard that phrase. It comes out usually at the end of a heated and sometimes loud discussion around house rules, chores, etc. But to understand the full relationship you have to know that the father’s unspoken response is “You’re not my kid. What in the Hell are you thinking?”

I know you birth fathers, especially those with teenagers, are saying to yourselves, “I ask that question all the time.” The “What the Hell were you thinking?” question can be found on page 4935 of the Fathering manual you brought home from the hospital. What? You didn’t get one? Sure you did. It was with all that other “baby stuff” that came home. You know the stuff you ignored and your spouse eventually threw out? 

Anyway this brings up an important distinction between being a birth father and not. When dealing with your birth kids, you are in fact swimming in the same gene pool. Sometimes it feels like barely treading water but underneath it all, you KNOW this kid. Just like people say she has your eyes or he has his mother’s hair, he also has your ADD and his mother’s stubborn streak. My mother always told me when I was dating to pay close attention to the girl’s mother. 39 years of wedded bliss later I understand those words.

When Jason pulls some bonehead stunt or even accomplishes some great task I can usually relate it to someone in the family. Not only can I see my ADD and tendency towards perfection in him, I can also see Liz’s loving nature and compassion. I also see traces of Liz’s dad and brother and my dad, mom and grandfather in him. That doesn’t mean he is destined to commit the same mistakes we have. He is very much his own person. I’m just saying that his actions often make sense at a fundamental level. Not so with children you are responsible to parent but did not sire.

It’s also safe to assume that if you don’t understand their actions and the causes behind them, they don’t get you either. This is especially true of foster children. Most foster children we’ve had did not have a strong male influence in their lives prior to coming into our home. Male/female relations in the birth home may have been violent or abusive, or even nonexistent. Rules that make sense to us, in our middle class home, may seem arbitrary to them. The use of natural and logical consequences in dealing with their behavior may seem punitive. Many of them have never had to take any responsibility for what they do. 

Thich Nhat Hanh in his book “Being Peace” tells the story of a Thai River Pirate that raped a 12 year old girl.  As a result of this she threw herself overboard and drowned. Nhat Hanh goes on to say that in the face of such abhorrent behavior it is natural to take the side of the young girl and simply shoot the pirate. If we do that, we ignore the conditions that caused the man to become a pirate in the first place. Not to excuse his behavior but to change conditions so others do not follow his example. 

Now I’m not saying that non birth children are like river pirates, although some certainly are, it is important when fathering them to understand as much as possible about the conditions of their life prior to you entering it. For foster and adoptive children their past almost always includes abuse and neglect. Many times this includes sexual abuse at the hands of a male family member. As I said before most children in care have never had a positive male role model in their lives and were often raised by single mothers. Sometimes they don’t know how to interact with a father because they’ve never had one.

It’s unfortunate that they tend to take all their anger and frustration out on the mother of the house. It’s one of those things that defy logic. Their father abandons them and they take it out on their mom and any other woman who steps into that role. 

Even step fathers and live in boyfriends need to have a clear understanding around what happened in the prior relationship. This is especially true around any issues of violence and what if any role the birth father will play in the children’s lives going forward.

In researching this sermon I’ve read countless articles that say a father figure is important in a child’s life and a couple that say a father is irrelevant. I think we tend to take from these studies what we want but my experience tells me that a father figure in the home can have a positive effect on a child’s life. I’m not alone.

In her article, The Impact of Father Absence, Dr. Nina Chen writes:

“Research findings consistently reveal that warm and affectionate fathers not only can help their children develop positive self-esteem, but also influence the development of their children’s gender role behavior. Fathers are significant for both boys and girls. For instance, boys can learn from their fathers about growing up as a male, male interests, activities, and social behavior. Girls can learn from their fathers to develop a trusting comfortable relationship with men. Loving fathers also have a positive influence on achievement in boys and personal adjustment in girls. Loving fathers who provide limit setting, moral reasoning, and reasonable and firm guidance without imposing their will can help promote their children’s competence. Research on father-child involvement also shows that fathers are significant for children, sensitive to children and fathers’ play with children is different from mothers’. Obviously, fathers are just as important to their children as mothers.”

Even if that’s true, I’ve had a nightstand thrown through a bedroom window, large rocks thrown through the screening on my back porch at my dogs, and a newborn infant that cried 23 hours a day for 2 weeks. I’ve experienced projectile vomiting at a public restaurant, 3 times by 2 different kids, almost had my house set on fire and had more than one child leave my home in handcuffs in the back of a police car. With over 55 foster children in 31 years, there’s not much I haven’t seen.

I do occasionally run into a former foster child we’ve had and sometimes they will tell me that in retrospect their time in our home was valuable. Some even still call me dad. In fact I ran into one of our former foster kids at a high school where I was driving for a sports team. We’ll call him Jaylen. (Not his real name.) 

Jaylen’s behavior caused us to cut a vacation to the Maryland shore short by two days. We had to enlist the help of a Police Officer to get him back in the car when we made a bathroom stop on the Chesapeake Bay Bridge Tunnel. For the whole ride home he kicked, screamed and cursed us. He repeatedly told us we hated him because he was black and when we did get to Greensboro, he went straight to a social worker and did not return to our home.

He told me a few years later at the high school that he realized he was wrong and that in his journey through foster care we had treated him better than any home he had lived in, black or white. He told me he was living in a group home and had plans for college.

In 1980 with a new baby in the house, a 5 year old girl and her 3 year old brother showed up with just the clothes on their backs. 6 months later they were back with their mother and within a year after that were back in care. They were not placed with us because their birth mom knew where we lived.  They returned to live with us 8 years later and we adopted Julie while her brother Brandon went back to live with his birth mother. Today Julie has 2 great boys, a loving husband and is an AP US History teacher at NW Guilford HS. 

We had a foster child that when we asked if we could move her with us from Gastonia to Jamestown we were told we could go ahead and adopt her. Sometimes things work out.

There are in the United States almost a half million children in foster care as of the latest available statistics.  423,773 (2009). With almost half (49%) of those children, the goal is reunification with the birth family and most kids are in foster care less than a year. (again 49%) Close to 12,000 of those children are in North Carolina. Recent changes in NC law restrict foster homes to 2 children at a time. 

So if this work is so tough, the potential is to only impact a handful of kids, and a lot of hard work has to be done in a short time just to send them back to the situation from which they left, why do it?

Because I’m a Unitarian Universalist, that’s why. To me fatherhood is a sacred trust. Our first principle tells us every person has worth and deserves dignity. Our seventh principle tells us that all things are connected. 

Being a father to kids that I did not sire is an expression of my faith as a UU. Just like the boy in The Starfish Story, I can’t save them all but I can make a difference in the ones that cross my door. I can affect the lives of the children that sleep under my roof, no matter how short a period of time that is. Liz, Jason and I can teach, through example mostly, that people do not have to live in neglectful and abusive situations. I can show that it’s ok for a man to be caring and compassionate. I can model that women deserve respect and can show the boys that come through our home what a healthy male/female relationship looks like. I can bring them to this church where they learn from all of you. I can make a difference.

In the words of Unitarian Minister Edward Everett Hale

“I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something; and because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do the something I can do.”

 

This is something I can do. Happy Father’s Day.

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Benediction

A Father's Day Prayer

By Kirk D. Loadman-Copeland

Let us praise those fathers who have striven to balance the demands of work, marriage, and children with an honest awareness of both joy and sacrifice. Let us praise those fathers who, lacking a good model for a father, have worked to become a good father.

Let us praise those fathers who by their own account were not always there for their children, but who continue to offer those children, now grown, their love and support.

Let us pray for those fathers who have been wounded by the neglect and hostility of their children.

Let us praise those fathers who, despite divorce, have remained in their children's lives.

Let us praise those fathers whose children are adopted, and whose love and support has offered healing.

Let us praise those fathers who, as stepfathers, freely choose the obligation of fatherhood and earned their stepchildren's love and respect.

Let us praise those fathers who have lost a child to death, and continue to hold the child in their heart.

Let us praise those men who have no children, but cherish the next generation as if they were their own.

Let us praise those men who have "fathered" us in their role as mentors and guides.

Let us praise those men who are about to become fathers; may they openly delight in their children.

And let us praise those fathers who have died, but live on in our memory and whose love continues to nurture us.

AMEN and Blessed Be

What does Santa do in January?

Aside from celebrating my and Jae's birthdays early in the month, January is a real downer for this Professional Santa. 

First of all I almost always get sick right after Christmas and this year it took me most of my vacation to recover. Next, after being in big demand during November and December nobody really wants to see Santa in January. Add to that, it's back to business as usual on the school bus and this year the whole month was miserably cold.

By this time I'm sure you're wondering if I want some cheese with that "whine"? Not really meaning to complain but it is tough going from full speed to dead stop all at once. The two things that really help are a loving understanding partner and an opportunity to hang out with other Professional Santas. Yesterday Liz and I had lunch with 15 other Santas and their invited guests. A total of 29 people were in attendance. 

We ate BBQ, shared stories and generally just hung out with each other. This group, the Long Leaf Pine Santa's, were formed by me and Santa Cliff Snider early in 2007. 

Professional Santa Clauses work alone during the Christmas Season because, as everyone knows, there is only one Santa. I have always considered Santa a regional franchise with a great amount of latitude as long as you observe the basic rules. (Jolly demeanor, no drinking on or before the job, red suit with fur trim, real beard, real boots, leather belt, you get the idea.) With that being said the most important thing about portraying Santa is knowing everything you possibly can about your character and Christmas. As smart and well trained as I like to think I am, I do not know everything. I can always learn from my Brothers in Red.

Here is a photo from yesterday's event. Would you really trust your kids on one of these laps. Sure you would. By the way, that's me in red. The one with the white beard.

So now you know the answer to a question that you probably never asked. What does Santa do in January? Eat of course! After all we have to stay in shape and round is a shape.

Wrapping up Christmas

Yesterday was January 6th which is the Twelfth Day of Christmas or Epiphany on the Christian calendar. The day the Magi arrived with gifts for the baby. So it really is time to wrap Christmas 2010 up and release the Ghost of Christmas Present for another year. 

To say this was my best year as Santa is an understatement. That statement could easily be supported by the increase in appearances from 2009 to 2010 or from the increase in revenue but the real yardstick I use is simply this: "Did I enjoy myself in my role as the embodiment of St. Nicholas?" The answer has to be a resounding YES!

In the Professional Santa World, especially in times of stress and disagreement, the constant refrain is that we should only do this "For the children." I will readily admit that even though children are the primary beneficiary to what I do, I do this for myself. I can't remember who said it but this has always stuck with me. "The greatest job you can possibly have is one that you get paid for, that you would gladly do for free." That's the way I feel about the work I do as Santa. When a child, or an adult for that matter, lights up when they see me it makes this job worthwhile indeed.

Growing up a chubby kid with glasses has certainly colored the way I see things when I enter a room as Santa. Bullied by boys, snubbed by girls and teased by both because of my appearance makes it bitter sweet that I now get paid for my appearance. 

With all that aside, what are the moments that stand out in my mind about Christmas 2010? Here's my list, in no particular order and yes, I've checked it twice. 

• Delivering a puppy to a rough and gruff grandpa that insists he didn't want a dog all the time tears are streaming down his face.
• Riding Shalina's kids around the block in the PT Sleigh with the top down in the bitter cold.
• Snow at the Greensboro Christmas Parade, warm weather at the Thomasville Parade and all the Cars at the Lilesville Parade.
• Being pushed around the ice at the Greensboro Coliseum by the Summitt Ice Skating Club in a real sleigh. 
• Hanging out with Orleans backstage at the LJVM Coliseum.
• Sitting in the anchor chair on The Good Morning Show Christmas Eve Morning.
• Appearing as Sinterklaas for a family of Dutch Heritage.
• Seeing the light balls in Sunset Hills with Liz and Jason in the cold. Again with the top down. 
• Having co-workers and friends say "Hey didn't I see you on TV?"

and finally

• Greeting brand new life at Women's Hospital on Christmas Eve. 

The annual gig at Women's Hospital is my gift to Liz and to Greensboro. All parents that want, get a photo of Santa with their newborn. 

It helps remind me that as the world celebrates the birth of a Holy Child, the birth of any child is Holy.

Happy New Year! 

Santa Jac

The Parade in Radiator Springs, NC (Lilesville, NC)

For a guy that supposedly lives at the North Pole, I HATE cold weather. I frequently tell clients that I am a South Pole Santa. So it seems perfectly fitting that 2 of the 3 parades I did this year were in sub freezing weather.

The 3 parades I am involved in are Thomasville, Greensboro and Lilesville. Lilesville?? Where the heck is Lilesville? I'll get to that.

The first parade in the Piedmont is always Thomasville. The Thomasville Parade is sponsored by the Fairgrove Lions Club and is the Saturday before Thanksgiving. It stretches for about 3 miles, has 150 or so entries. This year's parade saw warm weather and a huge crowd.

Next, for me, is the Greensboro Holiday Parade held the first Saturday in December. This year for the first time ever, it snowed for the parade. The News and Record holds a coloring contest each year and the winning kids get to ride on Santa's float. We were upstairs at the Jaycee office when it started to snow. The kids riding with me were excited, the adults walking with the float less so. The Jaycees tell me that this year's parade drew a record crowd. I'm sure they were right but when it started to snow the record crowd started to leave. By the time my float came by most of the crowd was gone. The kids and I had a great time anyway.

Now on to Lilesville. Lilesville is about 8 miles west of Rockingham off Hwy 74 and theirs is the only parade I'm in that is a Night Parade.The small town of several hundred usually draws about 4000 for the parade. That's usually! This year the temp was at 26 with a windchill of 12 when we started. I was very bundled up so all that was cold was my face. I can tell you at a 12 degree windchill, no rouge is needed to obtain rosy cheeks.

All was going as usual except there were no people. None. I really didn't get what was going on until about half way through. It was then that I realized that everyone was sitting in their cars watching the procession. Every now and then a little arm or head would pop out of a window only to be quickly withdrawn.

It was like I had been transported into the movie Cars and this was the Radiator Springs Christmas Parade. While I did not see Lightening McQueen, I did see a fairly good representation of Tow Mater. If I'm lyin' I'm diein'.

Merry Christmas!

In the coldest part of the year, the days are short, the nights seem never ending. The trees are bare. Their life essence withdrawn to the safety of their core. People are gathered near to the fire. A part of them is convinced that the Sun will never return.

Just when despair is at its highest a lone figure appears. He is not depressed nor depressing. His demeanor could be said to be downright Jolly. He is a large man reminding us that life is large. He is dressed in winter clothes but not in dark subdued colors. He wears instead festive colors of red, white and sometimes green. Flung across his back is a sack. In it are treats for the wee ones and hope for everyone. He is a stranger that we have known all our lives. We welcome him into our homes knowing that he will bring out the best in us. He reminds us that the presents we receive are minor compared to the gifts we have to give.

Some say he is from another time. Some say he is of all time. Some say he died long ago and became a Saint. Others insist that he will never die as long as we hold him in our hearts. This is for certain; just when we need him the most, is precisely when he appears.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart to those of you that invited me into your homes and businesses. It has been my pleasure to have been a part of your Holiday Celebrations. While I sincerely hope my appearance helped make your Holidays brighter, I wanted you to know that I am a better person and a better Santa for having met you.

Merry Christmas and a Happy and Prosperous New Year to you and yours.
Santa Jac Grimes

Finding Santa

Tomorrow, (Dec 21) is the last day of school before Christmas break. It seems fitting that I should publish this article about the last day of school Christmas 2005.

If you ask a group of 1^st or 2^nd graders what they want to be when they grow up, you will get a myriad of answers. Kids want to be like people they admire. Police, Firefighters, Teachers and Movie or Sports stars are among the popular choices. One occupation you will likely never hear from this group is Santa Claus. Santa is too big, too magical and too wonderful to be considered as a career. Besides, most kids know there is only one true Santa and the big guy himself already has that job.


So how does one become Santa? What makes a perfectly sane man grow a long beard, don a red suit and invite children and sometimes adults, to sit on his lap and tell him their most intimate wishes? Let me let you in on a Santa secret that only guys in the red suit know. You don't find Santa; Santa finds you.


One day you look in the mirror and the red beard you've sported most of your adult life is no longer red. Much as you try to keep it neatly trimmed to make people mistake you for Sean Connery, your general body build always gives you away. As hefty as Kenny Rogers is he still has more hair than you and Burt Reynolds can afford a much better toupee than you can.


Kids start asking if you are "him" and soon adults do too. You start to prefer red jackets, shirts and ball caps and you're not even a NC State fan. Then one day you walk into a salon and Santa walks out. How did you get to this point?


Every Professional Santa I know has had a defining moment. Something theologians call an "aha" experience or an epiphany. The moment when doubt ceases and faith begins. When you no longer think you may make a good Santa but know with every cell of your being that you are Santa. Mine goes like this…


I had been driving a school bus for 3 years, having decided that I really liked working with kids more that I wanted to manage people. I had worked my way up to a countywide standby position and was the night dispatcher for the 24^th largest school bus fleet in the nation. In short I was a problem solver and the resident "go to" guy. It was the last day of school before the Christmas break and I had been assigned to an elementary school where I had never driven before. It's been my habit to wear an inexpensive Santa hat around the holidays and I decided to wear one to drive in that afternoon. I thought it might be fun to have "Santa" drive the kids though it was a clear violation of school policy. I was totally unprepared for what happened next.


As the younger kids boarded first most were totally stunned. There in the regular driver's place was a big guy with a real gray beard wearing a red jacket and a Santa hat, the day before Christmas break! Some of them asked in quiet voices full of awe, " Are you him? Are you really here?" I told them I was and their parents had asked me to check in on them to make sure they were really being good. As the upper grades boarded they were more skeptical but seeing the reaction of the younger students, decided it would be okay to play along. I don't know how long it's been since you've been on a school bus but I can tell you it is a noisy, rowdy place. This is especially true if you are a substitute driver like me. You could hear a pin drop most of the trip. It was the best bus ride I had ever had! No one, I mean not a single kid, misbehaved. The magic of Christmas had found my school bus on a cold afternoon in December. Santa had found me.