When my good friend Bonnie Crouse suggested I go into the Wedding Officiant business a couple years ago, I did what I always do with a new idea. I researched it, almost to death. I looked up NC Laws surrounding marriage, I ran the idea by all my friends, who I am sure got tired of hearing it, (I know Liz did) and I finally spoke to someone that had been doing it for over 10 years. Rev. Rob Figley in Vancouver, WA. Rob and I just happen to be on a Santa Association Board together and have become very close friends. Bonnie planted the seed, Rob made it grow.
It did not take me long to realize that Wedding Officiants that have not attended a brick and mortar seminary are not well thought of by those that did. This initially really bothered me, especially when confronted by one Minister, who has since become a valued colleague and friend. They made it known in no uncertain terms that they had little respect for those that chose the quick and easy path. I got similar responses from Liz's then boss and my own minister. Not overtly but you know when someone doesn't respect what you do. I'm sure it caused problems for Liz at work although why it would I cannot fathom.
None of that really surprised me coming from Professional Clergy. What did surprise me was the realization that being a Minister, even a Wedding Minister, meant embracing ministry. Community Ministry. Answering the call to ministry, whether you perceive that call is from God, the Divine or from somewhere within, means that people expect, as they should, that you will minister to their needs. I'm not sure I really got this at first. I viewed myself as someone that is authorized by the state to perform weddings. Just another wedding vendor. It took me the longest time to embrace the term Reverend.
At one of my first weddings I heard one of the grandmothers say "Here comes the preacher." I almost looked around to see who she was talking about when I realized it was me. I mean I was the only person there in a black suit with a book under my arm and not family. It must be me.
What really drove home the fact that I am a minister was when a bride called to say her ex's father had died and would I be willing to do the funeral? I did and I think it was, for me, a game changer. I have since done a Memorial for a friend when her mom died and I am constantly asked by friends and clients how to handle this or that. While I think it took a while for me to look at myself as a Minister, others see me that way. For many of the couples I marry I am a surrogate for the family minister they don't have. I mean how many other vendors get invited to sit at the Parent's table or are asked to do the blessing before the reception meal?
In his Book Faith Formation 2020: Designing the Future of Faith Formation, John Roberto writes, "The effect of these trends can be found in research on emerging adults (twenty- to thirty-year-olds): only 15% embrace a strong religious faith and another 30% believe and perform certain aspects of their religious traditions; at least 40% have no connection to a religious tradition." What that means is that fewer people have a "family" church home and therefore a "family" pastor. The comment I most often hear from couples I work with is that they want a ceremony that is spiritual but not religious. My view is that as these couples grow into families they will need someone to assist in the times of other life transitions such as baby namings and death of a parent or grandparent. Will they then turn to the church of their fathers to meet those needs, I think not.
I recently got a Facebook message from a bride of mine to say her best friend had died unexpectedly and she was having a rough time of it. I offered to meet her for a cup of coffee and whether she meets with me or not at least she knows that I care.
So as I move father down this path I have chosen, I'm beginning to embrace the call. As people continue to redefine what is right for them and their families, they will need Community Ministers more and more. Hey you know what? That's me.
